Notes to Self #1: Dresses

Dear You —

I saw you the other day hanging all your dresses up on hangers that didn’t match.  Some of them were plastic, others were metal.  Some were bent or rusty.  It looked like their wear and non-uniformity perturbed you, and that took up your energy.  I saw you fighting not to care, but it still showed a little.

You had to take a break from putting your dresses away to lie on the bed and release the constriction that was slowly gaining on your lungs and your throat.  You rolled around in the fabrics of the dresses that had yet to be hung, everything soft and light and quiet.  I know you were working on a way to let go and keep going, to stay inspired even though there was a very loud and bitter voice in your head stuck in a loop saying “You can’t even get through a simple tidying task without breaking down.  What will you ever truly accomplish?”

Here’s what I wanted to tell you:

All of the things that you do are accomplishments.

They come in different shapes and sizes and energy fields.  Some of them give you a sense of self-empowerment while some feel more like failures.  Maybe a more accurate term would be experiences.  Each experience is an accomplishment, regardless of whether you add the good story or the bad story to it.  In the end, your definition of it can change its texture but it won’t change its shape.  It’s still something that you carried to completion, and that is worth something.

Honor these passages of time.  Even the ones that consist of completing half a task and then collapsing on your bed in obsessive anxiety.  You did that – it was a thing on your timeline – and from here on out, it will never not be a thing on your timeline.  It will always and forever be something that happened.  And though it may not make you feel proud or capable, it made you feel something, and feeling things is a valuable component of the being that you are.  So you see, nothing is wasted.  Everything is a key.

So go ahead and take some time to stare at the ceiling and wallow.  You will be filled to the brim with clarity and inspiration in a few days’ time, I promise.  How do I know this?  Because I know that’s just how this all works.  An ebb and flow, a rise and fall; a cycle, a cycle, a cycle.  Some things die, some things bloom.  Some things come around again and again, not only until the lesson has been learned, and even sometimes after that, just to remind you that all is a cycle.  That is the nature of things: You will die, but you will bloom again.  That is the only lesson you need to know.

With love,
Me

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Woolgathering

Hi, blogfriends!  I haven’t posted anything new in a while because a) I’m a perfectionist, b) I’m a procrastinator [in large part due to reason a], and c) it’s all just been a very interesting thought process as far as answering some Important Questions:

How do I want my blog to feel?  What purpose do I want it to fulfill?  Why is the sky blue?  What is the meaning of life?

You know, Important Questions.

One of the big things on my mind has been my “voice”.  I think because of reason a stated above (an ungodly amount of things in my life come down to that reason, as you might come to learn), I’ve been really stressing over publishing quality content that’s valuable yet authentic.  Then I remember why I started this blog: Because I already have a voice and I wanted to start using it in the best way I know how – through writing.  And not only that, but I wanted to build a loving, curious community around the things I choose to explore with my voice.

So with that being said, I resolve here and now (with you as witness!) to release perfectionism and embrace the chaos.  Because as Miles Davis said, “do not fear mistakes.  There are none.”


STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS
—  The first song on my Discover Weekly playlist on Spotify this week brought me to tears it was so good.  [Recommended listening: watercolors – machineheart.]  I was literally crying as I walked home from dropping my daughter off at school.  The opening guitar strumming was perfect with the 8 AM sunshine illuminating rooftops and the May breeze with its slight, refreshing chill.  I live for those first moments of musical discovery, man – when everything just aligns and you can’t help but breathe a little deeper.

conversation op:  Do any of you keep up with your Discover Weekly playlists?  Send me your favorites!

—  I passed a bee struggling to move on the sidewalk and pouted a little.  I read somewhere about how super important bees are to our ENTIRE WORLD and that you can revive them by feeding them a bit of sugar water.  On the less-cool end of the spectrum, I also read that honey is basically regurgitated nectar that is passed from one bee’s mouth to another.  I’d be lying if my initial reaction wasn’t “ew”.  So.  There’s that.  But for real though, let’s remember to save the bees!

—  A poem I wrote at the bus stop yesterday:

how to be the love you are searching for

first,
stop searching.
there is no need to look
for something that can be found
in all things:
in the air,
in the clouds,
in the traffic;
in the slowness,
in the rush;
in the music that you hear.

next, listen closely
and the notes will sing your praises
as the wind rustles your hair.
look curiously up
at the everyday magic:
the leaves on the trees,
the words on the signs.

there is all of this
out beyond your mind
and it looks and feels
expansive, infinite,
as love is.

all the lifetimes
of all the seeking
will bring you back
over and over
to this place.


Well, that was fun.  A little messy, a little experimental.  Until next time.  ❤